Just a little update…so much has been happening around the house. I’d like to make some proper posts instead of just “touch on” things, but I have a terrible habit of starting a post and not finishing it. Maybe I should just publish them raw. Who cares, right?
I’m still chewing on whether or not I should publish a post I started the other day. I know for a fact that the person I’m talking about in the post, while trying to be vague about his/her identity, will immediately pick up on the fact that it’s them. There will most likely be some hurt feelings as well.
Blog therapy used to be so uplifting for me even when the subject was terrible. Now that I’m older, I probably need to watch it a little more. When you put yourself on the interwebs, people love to judge.
Anyway, that unpublished post is really the lead-in to another post on the subject of people you admire and love to have in your life but don’t feel the same about you. Maybe it’s all in my head, but I seem to have an entire collection of these people.
In the meantime…I’m looking for my own Christmas miracle. It’s always money. Since Brent’s gone* the struggle is hardcore; I’m officially a single mother now. Nevermind my child’s father who should be paying child support and refuses.**
If it weren’t for my mother and her husband, we would probably have foreclosed my house and moved into her garage (which she would totally love.) I’ve also started a little bath bomb biz which does help, although I need to get back on top of things and get things really up and running. More on that later.
I took a State job (should that be capitalized?) a few months ago and it is smack downtown. The commute to/from my home in my tidy little suburb is a sheer killer. I swan, sometimes I feel my heart racing with all the road rage going on–it’s not just me. Everyone on the road is downright crude during rush hour.
And let’s not forget that the expense of the commute is serious. I do ride the Express bus now and then, but if I’m having a health issue*** I prefer to drive so I can bolt if needed and not have to wait for the bus.
A CapMetro MetroExpress monthly pass is just under $100 and that is by far the least expensive option vs driving. I do like CapMetro quite a bit, but I wish they would expand their service more–and now. (The entire Austin transit system is at its worst ever.) The only thing I do not like is having to pack in with other humans, body to body, on the commute home. There are times when there are no seats available. Standing on a 45-minute bus ride…well, you get the idea. If I’m honest, I probably would have no issues at all if I was skinny, or even skinnier. At least that would lessen the prolonged physical contact with strangers.
Texas state (capitalize?) workers are usually paid once per month–on the first of the month. It’s kind of a joke that we are super poor at the end of the month. At the end of the month, you’ll see more people bringing lunches from home and not participating in outings.
Some people are really good at budgeting and are diligent about bringing their lunch from home and riding the bus or carpooling, etc. (As I type I’m thinking of James at my last workplace–he almost always brown bagged it. I don’t think it’s the money factor as much as it is the homebody factor–James simply likes to bring a piece of family life with him to work. He often shared his food, too.)
For the past few days, I’ve started to make a real effort to make lunch at home the night before, or bring in a frozen dinner. It’s been paying off. I’ve been happier during lunch and less stressed about having to spend money.
And, you know, it’s not really the food situation. The money situation is always going to be there, sadly. But the take-care-of-yourself-for-once situation is the thing that’s been lacking.
I’m starting to embrace the mindset of a single person who enjoys being single, like my friend, Lisa. She’s like a queen bee. Men are only in her life when she wants them to be. Other than that, she’ll tell you that she has no need for men. Lisa is self-reliant, financially stable, and does most, if not all, of her own car and home repairs.
I’m a tad different because I do want a man around. I dearly miss that physical aspect of it, too. I remember my mother mentioning this a few years after she and Dad divorced. At the time her words were completely foreign, and now they are so true. And sad.
I’ve been so, so burned by Brent…he’s pretty much ruined everything for years to come as far as men and finances go. And whenever something breaks around the house, I’m reminded that it would’ve been his job and his pleasure to fix it. I’m reminded of how heavily I leaned on him.
I’m reminded that I cannot fix shit around the house either.
I’m not like Lisa at all in that regard…even though I do have a pretty decent set of tools (most of which I’ve “inherited” from Brent, including the tool cabinet I gave him one Christmas. Let’s call it “asshole tax.”) I can fix something if I put my mind to it, but I don’t have a taste for it and I’m really not good at it. I got lucky and lived with someone who loved any chance to break out the tool chest. Sigh…
Anyway, as a single person, I’ve finally realized that I need to take care of myself more. It’s OK if I do. I’m not talking about indulging in things, but doing things I would do for my partner are now done by my own self for myself.
It’s not big things, but all the little things like making a lunch and hanging up some clothes. Making the bed every morning and putting myself together. Basically thinking of myself as another person. (Clarification: not like a child. I’m not parenting myself.)
What would make this “other person” happy? Would it make me comfortable to turn on the heating pad? Would a clean car make me happy? Would turning on the bright light above the sink make me happy? How about a salt bath?
We always know what makes us feel good, and it feels better when someone else handles it. Am I right? What’s wrong with you making yourself happy?
For me…I’m seeing that it makes a big difference. Even if it just small stuff that no one thinks twice about. Actually, it’s always been the small stuff, but small acts of kindness towards myself is still a new idea.
* this subject requires more than a footnote, and I’m not ready to say more than that right now.
** if you are reading this, “refuses” is the correct word, I assure you.
*** another topic for later.